disclaimer: this post is a bit heavy and can be triggering to some.
I think people have this huge misconception that the feelings of emptiness or numbness means that exactly….they’re wrong in my opinion. I feel so empty and hollow yet my emotions are seeping out of every pore of my body even if it’s just feeling completely numb. It’s a difficult thing to grasp, I’ll give you that. My feeling of emptiness is sickening, these emotions coursing through me are legitimately so overwhelming to the point where it’s past comprehension for even me. For that I shut down, I feel empty. The darkness swallows me whole from the inside out. It’s so terrifying to have all these feelings, but not being able to make sense of them to the point where you can’t even form the words to explain them to yourself let alone another human being. I often find myself staring at the ceiling during the wee hours of the morning clawing at my skin and wanting to scream from the lack of understanding on how I feel. I fixate on finding words to explain what’s going on inside my head…pen to paper but never being able to write it out. Pages filled with black ink and torn to bits from me digging the pen so deep into the pages from the frustration.
On that note, this is difficult for me to do because I don’t really think many people deserve to know this much about me but I’m going to swallow my pride and speak about something that’s been bugging me, especially what I see often on social media. I see so many people complaining about anxiety or being sad, yes those are common feelings, everyone in life is going to feel anxious or sad. I am not saying it’s wrong to feel these things or to broadcast it to other people but don’t play it to be a mental illness because it makes you look different? I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which no I do not have multiple personalities (read up on it if you’re interested). I have to remember that my mental illness does not define me, but it IS a part of me. It is so shitty knowing my BPD will never be “cured” and that everyday for the rest of my life will be a battle. I don’t understand how people can romanticize this stuff or self diagnose and think it’s cool. It’s caused me to have to report to my mother what I was eating every day as she sat there and cried confused on why her daughter is this way. Trips to the ER. My little brother finding me in a pool of my own blood too drugged out to understand what was going on. My baby sister at 3 years old asking about the scars on my body. Long story short it is a daily struggle. It has ruined so many relationships whether with friends, family, or partners. I spent years thinking I was fucking insane for the thoughts passing through my head. It has affected my jobs and still does to this day. I fear allowing people into my life and them seeing all these different parts of me. I know I’m a lot to handle and it’s very exhausting so to be less of a burden I try to keep to myself. I spent years and years in therapy, going to multiple therapists, multiple times a week to get to the point of where I am today. It is such an overwhelming thing to lay in bed and not be able to move or speak because you do not understand what you were feeling in that moment and you do not have the willpower to continue your day. I have spent countless nights reading everything I can on BPD to better understand myself and better ways to cope. Mental illnesses are not cool or edgy. If you feel like you are suffering from one, please see a doctor and get a proper diagnosis.*
a final thought-
I want to learn how to love myself.
I want to stop hating
the things I create
the way I look
the way I think
the things I do
the things I say
I want to love
my words and my photography
the person I see in the mirror
I want to accept myself for the person I am instead of criticizing every breath I take.
I want to stop overthinking and being embarrassed for my actions or words
I want to learn how to love myself
*Just trying to bring awareness…I am not trying to be harmful or point fingers I just feel that self diagnosing is not safe and there are professionals in this field for a reason ….to give us the help and education that we need.