I often find myself playing over the past and rewriting it, so many moments filled with “what could’ve” been. It’s useless though, seeing that’s not how things work. There is no rewinding the clocks and doing it all over again. I have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason, regardless that it feels like I’ve missed out on opportunities.
As I think back I don’t really have any regrets or things that I’d change about my past. I guess what I’m saying is I’m curious to know how things would’ve turned out if I had made different choices. I play it out in my head like a movie deep into the night. Perfectly how I’d like it to go. Funny thing is, we’re all guilty of making up scenarios and figuring out what we would do or say, rarely does it ever work out how we picture it. In most cases I fill my mind with these silly thoughts when it comes back to past “relationships.” Regardless that I’ve never been in a relationship let alone on a date, I’ve had people in my life where we both cared deeply for each other and were romantically involved one way or another. I have deep rooted trust and commitment issues that tend to make me steer clear of ever letting anyone get close. I find myself in moments of sheer loneliness wishing I had someone who loved me deeply by my side or swelling with jealousy as I watch lovers pass me with limbs tangled and intertwined, seeing the love and happiness radiating into each others darkest places.
Is it me? My fault I’m going to be alone forever? Am I too picky or have too high of standards? Am I too much of a burden for another to bare? I ask myself these questions almost daily. I know better though, yes I do have insecurities and issues, even imagining developing emotional bonds with someone, so I run the opposite direction at the possibility of happiness with another. I don’t want it to be this way forever, I want to experience loving someone and having that same love in return, its frightening though, knowing how I think. The thought of giving my all to someone, loving them with every ounce of my being and knowing there’s a chance of them walking away or giving up on me is absolutely terrifying. I’d say it’s the main reason I’ve closed myself off from relationships. People constantly tell me “you’re young, just go out on dates, enjoy it,” but that’s just not the way I’m wired. When I picture love, I picture this sort of fictional type of love. Absolute nonsense, but it’s what I want and crave. I don’t need flowers every day or overly romantic notations. I’m not sure how to explain it. Still I feel like today my generation has lost the respect love and relationships deserve. Cheating is second nature, and playing with others feelings is fun. It’s alarming and saddening. Don’t get me wrong here and there I find people with beautiful relationships that give me hope, it’s just that I’m seeing less and less of them.
I feel as if I don’t fit in, and for that I will never meet someone who truly understands or accepts me for who I am. My goals and aspirations are my driving force. The hobbies I indulge myself in seem to turn into obsessions. The music I listen to moves me in ways I wouldn’t think possible. I want someone who is the same but different. As cliche as it sounds, someone who is the missing piece to my puzzle. I know there’s no rushing a good thing, but it feels a bit hopeless when I’ve never met someone on my same wave length. To be blunt, most people disappoint me. I’ll be interested in someone, and as I begin to learn more about them, I find myself nit picking and searching for fatal flaws. I thought at one point I had experienced love, but I was naive and fell prey to a manipulative, emotionally abusive man. In return it made me feel more lost than ever before, and now I question myself thinking it may be past the point of no return.