two sides

In a past post I brushed up on my BPD, one of the most difficult parts of it, is the severe ups and downs that can happen within hours. On that note, both of these were written within hours of each other in my personal journal. I wanted to share these as a reminder. It’s important for me…and for you to realize when you’re feeling down, it’s not going to last forever.

1:53 AM August 6th-

I’m feeling really lost and out of place. Even though things are going well for me. I feel as if within my tiny bubble things are falling apart.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gotten so comfortable with feeling so bad that the thought of things looking up scare me, cause I’m always waiting for them to come crumbling down harder and harder every time.

I don’t know what it is that’s making me feel so lost and alone right now. I kept myself busy all day to avoid my thoughts and now as I sit here in bed they’re all I’m left with. It makes me want to give up. This rollercoaster of emotions is extremely exhausting. And as I said not having a reason to explain why I’m feeling this way makes me feel insane. Nothing bad happened today, if anything it was a pretty good day, but here I am wallowing in my sadness. I know I can’t expect endless happiness, with good there’s always bad and vise versa…but still why? I can handle the bad if it’s warranted, but this gloom came out of the left field and completely blind-sided me. I want to shed this darkness, crawl out of my skin and lead a new life. Rid myself these torturous, sleepless nights.

1:26 PM August 6th-

Some days are better than others. I try to enjoy those days to the fullest. Currently I’m sitting outside listening to some fun tunes, drinking coffee, and watching the pups play. I feel so content, like there’s no bad in this world and I have no worries, a moment of bliss and clarity. I’m so appreciative of these times. Well of the good and the bad, they help me grow and learn.

The way the breeze feels against my skin and the smell of grass makes me feel as if I’ve been reborn. I find myself happiest in nature, even if it is just my backyard. My worries and stress seem to roll off my shoulders and I can just breathe.

I think that’s what draws me to try and capture the essence of nature through photography. Not only that, it also inspires me in ways that nothing else can. I’m a restless person, I always need to be busy or doing something. Yet I can spend hours sitting in a field doing absolutely nothing. It’s an otherworldly feeling. I know I could spend eternity roaming through nature and never feel the need for anything else.

I don’t feel lonely, sad, or anxious, this is what I want and need. I hate that we live in a materialistic world dominated by money. If money didn’t matter I know I’d spend the rest of my days this way. Who knows maybe I’ll buy a van, pick up and just go. That sounds like the dream.

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