who knows where this is goin’

One of the greatest downfalls of BPD is the ups and downs I face. Being manic can be cool sometimes, I feel invincible, that I have it all together, I’m motivated and inspired. And when I’m not, man it blows. I wanna write, or be productive, stick to my plans and everything, but it feels impossible.

Dragging myself out of my low points is enough work in itself without all the additional things I’m missing out on. Right now I’m in a grey area, stuck somewhere between my extremes. It’s not a bad place to be, cause even though I’m bummed for no apparent reason, I can still continue on doing the things that need to be done, or things I REALLY want to do. For a long time I couldn’t manage the “grey area” I lived in black and white when it came to my behavior and moods. I was an extremist by definition. I’m not going to pretend there are not times when I’m still like that or that I don’t struggle with it daily. Luckily though, I’ve trained myself how to realize those behavior patterns and attempt to work myself out of that state. Even though mania can be helpful, it can also be extremely damaging, especially when my mood suddenly flips and everything goes dark. I persecute myself to the third degree for not being able to manage the tasks I was just so gung-ho on.

Whenever you meet with a new therapist one of the first questions they LOVE to ask is what you want out of this…what is your end goal from therapy. My answer for the longest time was always to simply be happy, that was all I wanted. To live in a state of ignorance and bliss. ha ha ha….oh I was so naive. If I were to answer that question today, at this exact moment that would not be my answer. It’d be that I want to manage life better, I want more good days than bad, that I want to choose healthy coping mechanisms and learn to love myself fully. To stop scrutinizing my every move, to eat freely without hateful thoughts rolling around my brain, to allow others into my life, to stop looking over my shoulder and waiting to be hurt. To stop fearing the good days, because I know they don’t last forever, and in return just waiting for the bad to come pushing in.

I’m not the first to bring this to light, but take a second and think about this….

**We live in a perfect world, everything is great, we love ourselves, there are no bad days, pain, sorrow, and hate don’t exist. How would life go? Is that what I’m really looking for? Perfection? When I think long and hard about it I know in my heart that’s not what I truly want. The bad days, the pain others cause, all of it, has shaped me into who I am today. It’s made me..ME, more independent, more conscious of how I treat others, and lastly it makes me (attempt to) enjoy the good times just that much more.

I learn something everyday. I try to take the bad and spin it into a positive learning experience. Finally I can look back at my past and say “okay that all sucked pretty bad, but I’m still here, I’ll never let it happen again, and it’s made me stronger.” I don’t live with regrets, I honestly wouldn’t change a single thing about my life. Including my millions and millions of mistakes I’ve made over the years.

Ya know all I’m saying is yes life can be so unfair, it can feel like you’re drowning in a sea of misery, but hang on because as cliche as I’m about to be, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And if you want to change shit in your life don’t let anyone stop you…including yourself. If you want to take that trip, stop making excuses and make it happen, if you want to be a better person, catch yourself when you’re being a shitbag, call yourself out, own up to your mistakes. Be more honest. Be kinder to everyone cause you truly never know whats going on in their life. There is no excuse to be harmful and rude, I don’t care if life has constantly handed you the short end of the stick, cause guess what? SAME. but I don’t use that as a reason to go around fucking up everyone’s day, I use that to empower me to be BETTER. As Hannah Montana said LIFES WHAT YOU MAKE IT.

Okay that was so corny I just had to do that. But seriously, I went way off topic. Just be nice guys and know bad days are okay, just don’t let yourself get stuck in one forever….and don’t depend on someone else to change it for you.

Until next time


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