in between

I feel like I’ve been stuck for a while now.

Disassociating is a bitch. It just sneaks up on you and you don’t realize its got you in it’s grip til it’s too late. You’re stuck.

I feel like a mindless robot stuck on an endless loop. work. eat. sleep. work. eat. sleep. sleep. sleep some more. work. and so on.

Everything just blends, I can’t remember the day, or what I ate, what I did two days ago or anything. At this point I don’t even know if I care. I think some days I’d rather feel like this, lifeless and empty than overwhelmed with emotions.

I find myself looking in the mirror alot, not to see what I look like, but to make sure that I’m still here, that I am real, that I am alive. And some days the person I see staring back at me is someone I don’t recognize.

I try to focus on the present. The here and now. Yet I’m so stuck on the future, everything is right at my finger tips, I just don’t know how to get there. I’m just so scared of everything. Is that okay to admit? That I am absolutely fucking terrified of everything.

I’m scared of being alone, but I don’t want to let anyone in. I’m scared of going no where in life, yet I’m too scared to change anything. I could make an endless list, I’m just too tired to do so.

What do I do? I know no one can answer that question for me besides me, but I’m stuck you see. So where does that leave me? Somewhere in between.

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